Battle Blogging

As I’m sure everyone is aware of, I’m a huge hip hop fan. I grew up on East Coast battle raps, where the aim was to make yourself look good, while making other rappers look bad. It wasn’t mean spirited, well, not most of the time, and it was all about being witty, intelligent and using that word play. I still to this day love this era of hip hop the best. I mean I can dig the gangsta stuff if it’s done well, and I don’t mind money talk if you are clever, but if you gave me a choice, I’d take a bragging battle rapper any day. Big Daddy Kane was my all time favorite, Rakim was dope, LL back in the day was the man.

Every now and then, I’ll hear a rapper with great punch lines that I wish I wrote. See, I used to rap back in the day. I think I was pretty good. Had a bunch of clever punch lines and was a beast at freestyling. But then I turned 27 and lost all my skills. I don’t write anymore and my freestyle skills are worse than Lil Wayne, and you know he just be making up words and stuff. Since I don’t have that hip hop creativity anymore I thought should do something else with it. I need an outlet for my competitive juices. You know what I should do?  I should start battle blogging!!!  Let me start taking out other bloggers!!! Yeah, that’ll work!!! 

Now, who wanna battle me?!? – (Yes, I know I’m silly)

Lazy Blogging = Music MeMe

 I know I've done this before, but now I got different music on the iPod. Plus, it's a lazy Saturday, so you get this and you'll like it. I SAID TAKE IT!!! READ THE POST, ANNA MAE!!!

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!

How do you feel today?
Affirmative Action-Nas ft The Firm

What’s your outlook on life?
Flapjacks-Dwele

What does your family think of you?
Back Like That (Remix) -Ghostface Killah ft Kanye West and Ne-Yo

What do your friends think of you?
Reasons-Faith Evans

What do strangers think of you?
Woman- Raheem Devaughan

What do your exes think of you?
Passion Flower-Little Brother

How’s your love life?
Karma Chameleon - Culture Club

How will your love life be in the future?
How Big Is Your World - Median

Will you get married?
Kiss The Ring-Raekwon

Are you good at school?
Are You That Somebody - Aaliyah

Will you be successful?
I Tried - Jadakiss

What song should they play on your birthday?
I Can (9th Wonder Remix)-Nas

What song should they play at your graduation?
Ain't No Woman Like The One I Got- The Four Tops (mislabeled as The OJays on my iPod)

The Soundtrack of your life?
Hate-Jay-Z ft. Kanye West

You and your best friends are?
Hold U- Masta Ace ft Jean Grae

Happy times:
Make It Work-Q-Tip

Sad times:
She's A Maniac - Michael Sambello (Mislabeled as Hall and Oates on my iPod)

Every day:
Dead Presidents II - Jay-Z

For tomorrow:
One in a Million -Larry Graham

For you:
Ten Fresh Commandments -Daytona

What does next year have in store for me?
Easy (like Sunday Morning)- The Commodores

What do I say when life gets too hard?
Annakin's Prayer- Jay Electronica

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Erotic City -Prince

What do you want as your career?
Dangerous MCs-Redman & Method Man

Your favorite saying?
Wack Niggas-Kanye West ft Common, Talib Kweli, and Consequence

How will I die?
Buddy--De La Soul ft Jungle Brothers, Tribe Called Quest, Queen Latifah and Monie Love

Manners

I think I have pretty good manners. I say “may’ instead of “can”. I hold open doors for ladies. I say Thank you and please. I open Jameil’s car door (well, most of the time. I did forget once.) If a woman, or a baby, or a woman with a baby needs a seat, they can have mine. It’s not anything that I feel especially proud of. It’s just what you are supposed to do… Here’s why it came to mind. I work with some of the most ill mannered people in the world.

 

I was walking up to the building and this dude literally ran in front of a woman who I guess wasn’t moving fast enough for him as they were going up the stairs. He opened the door and didn’t even hold it for her. I was like “were you raised in a barn?” Then later I was in the cafeteria watching CNN and this girl was on her cell phone giving all the details of her secks life very loudly. She was in front of everybody, including older ladies, and management. It was ridiculous. But the epitome of rudeness comes from some of my coworkers comes when they are talking to people on the phone. There's no manners. It's all gimme instead of may I have, or yeah instead of yes. Or it's sir or ma'am, said in a way that actually means "bastard." It just gets on my nerves. I don't know why today it started bothering me enough to write about it, but it did, so I did.

Road Conspiracy

I think there was a conspiracy against my car this morning on the way to work. There were 4 different road obstructions that I either ran over, or narrowly missed.

1. On 285, I’m in the 4th lane, cruising around 70 MPH. I see something in the road up ahead. I look to see if I can switch lanes. Cars to the left of me, cars to the right of me. None will slow down, or speed up. I slow down as the impending impact nears, but I still hit it at around 50 mph. I hear a thud as I run over a plank of wood. Thankfully, I didn’t hit any nails and blow my tire.

2. Still on 285 now, this time past Spaghetti Junction. I’m riding behind a painter’s truck. I see an orange Gatorade bucket coming dislodged from the mass of junk on the back of the cab. It was like slow motion. This time I was able to switch to the right lane and get out of the way before the bucket crashed to the highway. I sped up as much as possible to make sure it didn’t take a strange angle and somehow hit me. The car that was previously behind me wasn’t as lucky as I was.

3. Now, I’m on 75 heading north. I see taillights illuminating, although since it’s mad bright out, just barely. I decide to pass them on the left, since there is no reason to be going 50 MPH on the highway. I turn on the blinker to the empty lane next to me and am greeted by an unexpected sight… A leather recliner chair in the middle of the lane. Heart racing, I quickly change back to my original lane so I didn’t hit it. That would have sucked. I call 511 to report it, but couldn’t get through.

4. Finally off the highway, on the surface street by my job. I’m going like 30. All of a sudden a squirrel darts out in front of my car. I thought about swerving, but I would have hit a car next to me. So the squirrel just had to take a loss. I actually don’t know if I hit it or not since when I parked I didn’t see any blood or guts, but I was so glad to finally be off the roads. Seemed like they was out to get me today.

State of the Union Drinking Game

You guys can play this, since I won't be watching. It's not that I'm not political, its that I'm not one for all that speechifying. I know what I believe, and I'm going to be swayed by rhetoric on either side. Besides, I can get the play by play on the news after without having to listen to the whole thing.  However, if you got some liquor, a few shot glasses and some homies, you might be able to make the State of the Union fun tonight. For example: 

Every time Obama says "At the end of the day" = take a shot.

Every mention of a depressed town in Indiana = 2 shots.

Every time the camera pans to a disgruntled Republican congressman = take a shot of Red Stripe (get it, red?)

Every time immigration reform is brought up = shot of tequila, followed by salt and lime.

Every time he says "Wall Street vs. Main Street" = take a shot of some aged scotch or some MD2020 depending on which street you reside on.

Every mention of alternative energy choices = shot of organic beer

Every mention of Healthcare legislation = shot of light beer.

Every time Obama says "let me be clear" = shot of a clear liquor, like vodka or gin.

Every mention of "our brave men and women of the armed forces" =  take a shot of an All American Bud

If someone breaks decorum, like yelling out "YOU LIE!" =  just go 'head and finish the bottle then throw at your tv.

After writing this, I saw some other State of the Union drinking games on twitter. I promise I didn't steal this idea. It came from a conversation I was having with Jameil earlier today.

Oh Baby!!!

The first time it was exciting. Something brand new. I was like “awww how cute!”


The second time, it was less exciting, but still pretty cool. I didn’t really engage as much as the first time, but it was still a novelty.

The third time… for real? You again? How many times are you gonna bring that to work? This ain’t show and tell!!!

Now it’s like the 50th time, and I just want to say… ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Please stop bringing your kid up here. Nobody likes you, and we are getting dangerously close to the point where we don’t like your kid either. We don’t really need to hear him crying and knocking over stuff while we try to work. He’s not a baby anymore, which means that we don’t need to see him 2 times a week. Don’t you have daycare? Does he just hang out with you at your desk every day? See, your baby is like p.orn. The first time, yeah, you’ll check it out. But you don’t wanna be seeing that every day of your life. Wait.. your baby is like an Adam Sandler movie. You’ve seen one, and you pretty much know what’s going to happen. Wait.. your baby is like telling off your boss... It’s a good concept, but one left better to imagination. Are you getting the point that I don’t want to see you parading your kid around the job anymore? If not then let me reiterate: Please stop bringing Jr. to the office. We’ve had our fill.

Please and Thank You!

Rashan Jamal

I Think It's Time

I think it's time for me to change my phone number. I've had the same number since 2001, and in that time period, way too many people have received my number. That means old girlfriends, people I met and went out with once or twice, stalker chicks that were supposed to use my number for business, and then tried to use it for "that business." Old co workers, I never intend to see again. Current co workers that like to invite me to the club even though anybody that knows me knows I aint going. Old managers that like to send mass text messages at 8 in the morning, bill collectors, my brother's bill collectors, my sister's bill collectors.     I remember a company called Pro Move that was supposed to find me an apartment, but instead called me all the time. At some point, my number got on the mailing list of a club that I never been too. All those stores that have asked for my number to complete a sale. All them different bloggers that have my number. Some I wouldn't mind hearing from, the other's that'll get ignored if they call. Yeah, way too many people have my number. I think it's time for a change.

Except, I don't want to learn another number. And I don't feel like calling Sprint to get them to change my number, so nevermind. I'll just keep this same number. It's almost my 10 year phone-aversary. LOL

I'm Stuffed, Yo!

That's what she said. LOL! But for real, I feel like I couldn't possibly eat another bite, but all I want to do is have some more. Jameil and I, well mostly Jameil made the fattest dinner we've ever had tonight. Strip steak, with blue cheese angel hair pasta, with bacon crumpled up on top. While you may be thinking it was Paula Deen recipe, it was really Rachael Ray. When I tell you that thing was crazy good, I mean it. Weren't  no veggies, just pure carbs and fat. I feel like I need to go take a walk. I think I will, but first, I just might have to sneak a forkful of this pasta while Jameil's not looking.  I'm sure, she'll post a recipe on one of her blogs.

I decided that I'm going to spend another day in Gainesville. I was supposed to be going back tonight, but I don't feel like leaving. I've only been here less than 48 hours and frankly that wasn't enough. So I'll leave tomorrow night. That way instead of having a 3 day work week (I was supposed to work Saturday, oops) I'll have just a 2 day workweek. I can dig that. I need a longer vacation anyway. I need to remember to put in my time for Jameil's Spring Break when I get back. I don't know if we are going to do anything, but at least we can spend a week together.

Anyway, I need to go distract Jameil, so she doesn't see me shoving another bite of that pasta in my mouth. I'm sure she thinks I've had enough already. She's probably right, but if you tasted what I tasted, you would get some more too.

Song Thief

Jameil likes to steal. Steal my songs that is. If I randomly blurt out a part of a song, Jameil is there to finish it. It's hilarious. I noticed it the other day, although now that I think about it, she does it all the time.  I was singing some song and before I finished the first line, she broke out all loud with the next line. I can't remember what song it was, but let's pretend it was "Forever My Lady"

ME: "So you're having my...

JAMEIL: BABY!! And it means so much to me.

And then she'll just take the song over like it was her idea. Thief! LOL

Trip Time

I guess it’s my turn to be a road warrior again. Soon as I leave work, I’m heading down to Jameil’s for the weekend. It’s been almost 2 months since I’ve been to Florida. She was in ATL for most of the winter break and I did take a jaunt up to Charlotte for Christmas, but I haven’t been down south in a while. I’m looking forward to some warm weather, some good food and of course spending time with Jameil. I think I’ve got my packing down to a science as much as I travel down south. Last night, I was finished in 5 minutes. I was done so quickly that I thought I must have forgotten something. It was too easy. Of course, that didn’t stop me from running around like a chicken sans head this morning making sure I didn’t leave anything. That, I guess, will continue to happen. It’s not meant for me to leave the house on time. Anyway, I hope everybody has a great weekend, and if you’re bored come check out my blog. See, even though I’m not going to be in town, I’m still going to have to post so Jameil doesn’t defeat me in this test of wills. I couldn’t bear to hear her gloating AGAIN!!!

Thursday Thirteen: Randoms From A Day Long Training Class

Black bluto – There’s a dude in my training class that sounds and looks like Bluto from Popeye. I feel like I need to hide Olive Oyl from this cat cuz he just might snatch her up.


Shhh – Why come this woman kept shh-ing people all day? Not the trainer, but just some random loud woman who apparently wanted to be the only one having a non related conversation. Annoying!

I’m always right – As always, I’m correcting people. I tried not to, but some stuff was just too blatant to let slide. Now I see why people don’t like me. I’m a know it all.

Is that a man? - So I’m looking outside the window of the training room. They call it the fishbowl because people can see in, and we also can see out. All of a sudden everyone around me starting looking at this woman. Except it wasn’t a woman, at least I don’t think so. She looked like Evander Holyfield, and the apple told me that she was a he. Diversity in the work place.

Little Orphan – There was a black woman dark as Wesley Snipes with some bright orange hair. It looked ridiculous.

Time Zones – Are time zones hard? Like Eastern, Central, Mountain, and Pacific? I’m not asking what time it is in Bali Bali or Mogodishu. Can’t you figure out what time it is in California?

Philosophical Dumbness – Me and a co worker were having a philosophical discussion on the dumbness of our co workers on IM. We figured out that dumb people don’t realize that they are dumb.

Facebook – While I was supposed to be listening in class, I figured out how to get around the firewalls to see Facebook at work again. It’s a bootleg version, but I can see profiles and status updates. Now to figure out how to see Twitter.

That’s A Win For The Customer – I swear fo’ God, if this lady says this one more time, I’m gonna black out. We get it. The whole thing is a win for the customer. You don’t have to keep saying it every 5 minutes.

Keep still – Another woman was squirming in her seat all day like she had hemorrhoids. She definitely needed one of them rubber donuts because she was moving 7 out of 8 of the hours we were in the class.

Spelling Errors – For real, you don’t proofread this training material before you present it? Just unprofessional.

Reading Is Fundamental – I wrote about this one before, but some people just don’t know words. I wish that they would NOT volunteer to read if they know they are on a 4th grade level. On another note, the trainer didn't know my name so she never called on me. That was fine with me since I wasn't paying much attention anyway.

Skip To My Lou – The trainer keeps skipping all over the place. We aren’t going in the order of the documents. It’s unnecessarily confusing. Also, she skips over parts of the text that she doesn’t understand…even if it’s important.

Wednesday

I love Wednesdays. Ever since I changed to a 4 day work week, I look forward to the middle of the week. I'm off on most weekends, but every Wednesday. It's the day that keeps me sane. There's nothing like working 2 days, and then getting a day off. I can leave work on Tuesday ready to snap, but then I have a day off to recharge. If I have stuff to do, I can take care of it on Wednesday. I'm not the type that's going to get up before work to handle business. And by the time I get off work, it's late at night, so I can't do anything. Wednesdays are perfect for me. I can get a haircut, go shopping, take care of whatever I have to.  If I have nothing to do, it's even better. Like today for instance. I had everything my heart could require already, so I didn't have to leave the house. Got my haircut last week, so no need for that. Went grocery shopping so I had food, so no trips to get fast food. All I had to do today was just watch movies, play some Wii, and play around on the computer. Oh and take a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day. That was awesome. The only bad thing about having Wednesdays off, is that I have to go back to work on Thursday. 

Some Horror Movie Stuff

I'm walking from the office to the garage tonight and I hear a rustling sound. I dismiss it because it could easily just be leaves in the wind or something. I take a few more steps and hear it again. This time I turn around and look. Is someone following me? There's nobody behind me, so I keep on stepping. I hear the sound again, only this time it's a lot louder and sounds like it's getting close to me. I check again, and this time I see some movement in the trees right across the street that runs behind the job. What the heck was that? I keep walking, but now I'm looking to see if something is going to jump out at me. Yeah, I know it sounds paranoid, but it is what it is. I get a flashback of a couple of years ago when I saw 2 silver foxes posted up outside the parking garage. That night was creepy. It probably wasn't, but my memory says there was a full moon. I do remember being paralyzed by fear. Couldn't move forward, couldn't move backwards. I just stood there until they scampered off. I had another flashback of the afternoon, when someone was walking their dogs sans leash and they ran up on me. I really, really hate dogs and I swear them little beasts were barking "nigger" at me. Ol racist canines!! I was hoping that neither one of these scenarios would repeat themselves. I didn't even think of the obvious. One of my stalkers done found me and was hiding in the bushes waiting to ambush me with a gun, or a big hug or something. Wait, that's not the obvious, but you know, knowing me, it could happen. I'm a few steps from the entrance of the parking garage and I take one last glimpse at the treeline. I hear something coming closer. I see the rustling of the leaves. This is it. I wish I had a weapon of sorts, but whatever is coming at me, is gonna the ish kicked out of it if it runs up on me. I steel myself, ready for the confrontation. That's when I see it.

A cute little bunny rabbit hopped by without incident. I'm so scary. I can't believe Bambi (As Not So Anonymous pointed out I meant Thumper. Typing too fast.) had me shook like that. How embarrassing!!!

Gimme The Loot

Loot: goods stolen or taken by force, as from a captured enemy city in wartime or by a corrupt official or by rioters; plunder; spoils

I admit that I did not know the official definition of the word “loot” before I started writing this post. I do also admit that the application of the word to describe the victims of the Haiti earthquake makes me mad uncomfortable. Imagine what you would do if your home was destroyed, bodies lined the streets, and you had nothing to eat. Would you loot, as the news media is so fond of labeling it? I know I would. I don’t mean that I would steal TVs or couches, but I sure would do whatever I had to do to survive. If that means taking whatever food and water is handy, then so be it. Am I supposed to just wallow near death, when there is an alternative? The insinuation of these news reports is that these Haitian, and by extension black people are unruly. GTFOHWTBS! People is hungry, yo! Why shouldn’t they take what they can get?

I’m sure there are people trying to get over in Haiti, but I think the characterization of “widespread looting” may be overblown. The UN says looting is limited, but nary a news article goes by that doesn’t mention it. Or maybe it is happening, but I honestly believe that if this disaster took place in a land that was not populated by black faces, it wouldn’t be mentioned in every article. Do I have proof? Nothing other than my memory and while that may not be good enough for you, it certainly is good enough for me. I just wish that news organizations would apply negative labels like "looter" equally.

Family Ties

I hung out with my sister and her kids Sunday. It always amazes me not only how big they are getting, but how they are real people. I know it sounds cliche, but I remember them when they were babies that couldn't do anything for themselves, but now they are all unique individuals. I don't know what's going on with the formatting, but I can't fix it, so you'll just have to deal with it. LOL

MY NEPHEW TOOK THIS PICTURE, HE WAS SHAKING LIKE MUHAMMAD ALI, BUT STILL MANAGED TO GET THE SHOT.

MY NEPHEW IS 13 AND TALLER THAN ME! MY NIECE IS 12 AND WILL BE TALLER THAN ME IN ABOUT 5...4...3...2...

WHEN NEPHEW SMILES LIKE THIS, I ALMOST CAN FORGET THAT HE WAS TRYING TO HIT ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT, REMOTE CONTROL, BOTTLE OF LOTION, AND ANYTHING ELSE HE COULD GET HIS HANDS ON. BAD, BUT I LOVE HIM.

HAD TO SHOW YOU THE SOCKS. MY NIECE IS... HOW SHOULD I SAY... ECCENTRIC! LOL

Thanks Batman!!!

FOR TURNING THIS:

INTO THIS:
















Isn't TV a great babysitter???

Don't Stand So Close To Me

I’m starting to get ‘noid, yo! So far, 2010 is the year of death being in close proximity to me. First there was this story where a dude killed his wife. He then drove his kids to Virginia and then back to GA to turn himself in… Did I forget to mention that his dead wife was in the back of the truck the whole time? Yeah, he lived down the street from me. http://www.ajc.com/news/dekalb/man-drove-around-for-268386.html. Then on Tuesday, a dude shot up his old job and killed 3 people around the corner from my job. They even caught him one street over from my office. http://www.ajc.com/news/cobb/cobb-shooter-chose-victims-273801.html. Then today, I read a story about an explosion at a gas station one exit up from me. I often go that way to go to the grocery store or just when I’m riding around aimlessly. One person got killed http://www.ajc.com/news/dekalb/one-person-dead-in-276374.html.

For real, death. Can you just back off me a little bit? Get up out my area? Please don’t stand so close to me.

I Give Up

Jameil, you win. I tried to post everyday and I've been doing a bang up job. I just can't keep going. I have now posted 75 consecutive days. That's pretty darn good right? I deserve a break. I honestly wanted to stop January 1st. I don't have anything left to prove. I know I was wack with posting before, but now I'm back in the groove. I think you all know by now that I'm back. If only my girlfriend wasn't so competitive, I could just take a day off without having to hear her gloat about how she is better than me. But alas... I'll just have to deal with it. I don't have anything to write about today, so I give up.

Oh yeah, PSYCHE!!! I'm gonna keep on posting until I win this war of attrition. Take that, Jameil!!! You gonna do 75 more days? Are you down for that cuz I am!!! You should just quit now and get it over with!

Guess My Responses

I went to a different barbershop today, and predictably, crazy followed. My barber would not stop talking to me. I can't stand that. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. Okay, that's an exaggeration. But it was the longest 20 minutes of my day. Here are some of things he said: Try to guess my responses: 
 

"Hey Dawg, I'll give you $5 off your haircut if you run me down to the Atrium for this DJ contest"

"We are all about the customer service here. We mean it, my nigga!"

"You think Jay-Z is in the Illuminati?" -



"What exactly is the illuminati?"


"You on twitter, my man? You should follow me!"


"I heard it from a reliable source. Will Smith is gay."


"I hate DJing grown and sexy parties. I can't even scratch Frankie Beverly. Can you imagine what they would think?."

"I used to be scared to put a razor to a nigga's head. I'm still kinda getting used to it."


At least the haircut came out okay. But I won't be going back to that barber shop anymore.

Tuesday's Randoms

1999 ruined Lauryn Hill for me. I loved her album, but what I didn’t love was hearing it EVERYWHERE I went. Party? Let’s play Lauryn. Playing Cards? Let’s play Lauryn. Bat Mitzvah? Let’s play Lauryn. To this day, I still can’t bring myself to listen to that classic album.

I wish someone would please tell my co-worker to stop tooting that thang up. She sits in her chair on her knees and just her very, very large backside in the air all day. It can’t be comfortable for her, and it sure is not comfortable for me. She needs to cut that out. No if, and, or butts about it.

I really don’t like when people try to pat themselves on the back. The big boss interrupted our team meeting today so he could self congratulate himself on his decision to close the office Friday because of the snow. Really? It was your decision? No, it wasn’t. Sure you played a part in it, but don’t act like you are autonomous and that we should praise you for using common sense.

Just once, I want someone who was caught using steroids to tell the truth. I took steroids and it helped me be a better baseball player. Thanks steroids for getting me that $100 million dollar contract and the endorsement deal with Pepsi. Either that or just shut up and don’t say anything about it. Fake apologies make me sick. You don’t think it was a bad idea, you are just sad you got caught. And btw, stop the blood clot crying..

I swear that it is just not meant for me bring my lunch to work. Sunday, I made a chicken alfredo pasta, put some in a Tupperware container for lunch on Monday, and proceeded to leave it right in the fridge. I was running late. Today, I was actually early, but I still forgot to bring my lunch. What is wrong with me? I mean, besides hunger at lunch time.

I usually go to lunch somewhere around 4PM. Sometimes I move my car from the garage, to the parking lot close to the building. The idea is that I’d rather have my car handy when I leave than adding another 4 minutes to the time I can actually get out of here. Usually, around 4:06, the morning people start clearing out and I can park wherever I want. Except today. I moved my car at 4:15 and the stupid parking lot was full. I almost drove back to the garage, but I decided to just drive around til someone left, which happened at 4:27, 3 minutes before I was supposed to go back to work. That would have sucked if I had to walk twice in one day. *bracesforJameil'slazycomment*
I was just listening to LSG’s My Body, and got to thinking about musical supergroups. You know when some solo artists get together with other solo artists and make a group. I remember reading that Tank, Ginuine, and Tyrese were trying to make a supergroup. I was like, thanks B- level R&B singers. I really want that album. Please tell me you can sense my sarcasm. It got me thinking of some other possible wack combinations like: Never mind, this just gave me an idea for a separate post. Disregard what you’ve read so far, because you’ll be seeing this later this week. LOL

Am I the only one that can’t do anything with gloves on? I feel like my hands have been replaced by big giant nothings. I can’t turn a car key, I can barely open a door, I can’t scratch my… wait, that’s TMI. The point is that I can’t do anything with gloves on.

Someone around me seriously smells like greens. I don’t know who, and I don’t know why. I don’t see any greens around. I really hope that isn’t what the co worker next to me thinks it is: flatulence.
Hey, you! I passed this woman I know from a friend of a friend today. She was all excited. She said. “HEY, YOU!!!” I could tell she didn’t remember my name. She had that look like “where do I know this dude from?” I wanted to say. ‘It’s okay, I don’t remember your name either”, but instead I said. “It’s okay, I don’t remember your name either.” LOL – I’m so silly.

4 Things That Made Me Say... "Ummm."

"Rashan -  Thank you for not being a dirty old man" -  24 year old co worker. I didn't know how to respond. Ummm.. you're welcome? It came all out of the blue.

"I didn't take my meds today. My wife is going to be in for tonight. I feel the crazy coming on" - Bipolar lesbian co worker. Ummm...okay. And please go take your crazy pills.

"I don't want a gardenburger. I want a veggie burger. - Some random person in the cafeteria. Ummm...isn't a garden burger the same thing? Eat your soy and be quiet.

"I don't give out my first name. Call me Mrs. Johnson." - co-worker to customer on phone. Ummm... are you for real with that? You don't give out your FIRST name?

Cold

As much as I hate it, I think I'm getting used to the cold. It hasn't been over freezing since Thursday, except for like an hour where it was 32 degrees. Just last week I found myself getting cold all the time. I had to start wearing two pairs of socks and my gloves when I went to work. I'm sure I'll do that again when I go back tomorrow, but I've been desensitized. The ice and snow is still on the stairs, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did. I went to the grocery store today, and wasn't even cold walking in the parking lot.

Speaking of cold, I want to share a little anecdote with you. When Jameil was here last week, and we went out in the cold, she used to wonder why I never closed my coat. Like if I am as cold as I say I am, wouldn't it make sense to zip my coat? I didn't even think about it. I just told her that I never close my coat. Then the other day when it was bitterly cold, as I was walking from my office to the parking garage, I decided enough was enough. I need to zip this mug up. My coat, which I stole from my brother, because I didn't usually get cold enough to justify paying for a winter coat, has this crazy zipper that just doesn't want to zip up I swear I've zipped things up before, but I just couldn't do it with this coat. The darn thing wouldn't attach to the other darn thing. Can you tell I don't know what they are called? And that's when I remembered. It wasn't style or comfort, it was just plain ineptitude. I can't figure out how to zip up my zipper.  Good going, Rashan. Maybe I'll actually buy a coat... next year. This cold season is almost over.

I Saw It Coming

I saw it coming and I knew that I had to do something to avoid it. He was a white guy about 60 years old, balding on top but with a long white ponytail hanging down the back. He was wearing a ski anorak, with sweatpants and black flipflops on top of his two tone blue socks. What came to mind when I saw him was a professor at a liberal arts college. I don't know why that popped in my head, but he looked like on of those aging hippies that now live in an exclusive neighborhood, and smokes a pipe in his old beat up Saab station wagon with ironic bumper stickers. You know those corny ones that say "Honk if you are against noise pollution." Okay, maybe that wasn't an impression. I did see a car like that in the parking lot, that probably belonged to him. But I digress.

I was in line at Subway trying to get my $5 footlong tuna sub, and he was in front of me. He kept looking back in my direction. I sensed that he was trying to engage me, but I would have none of that. I turned my back to him and stared at the snow that was accumulated in the parking lot. People always try to talk to me, and with the unusual weather in our area, that was the perfect opening for him. I was all about denying that opening. He moved forward as one South Asian clerk behind the partition loaded his veggies on his sub, and another one took my order. I was safe. No conversations for me! Or so I thought...

I was no longer looking out the window, I was watching the clerk scoop out the tuna onto my italian herbs and cheese bread when I saw him walk towards me. I saw that look in his eyes, so I did the only thing I could do. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and said Hello. No, there was no one on the phone, but that was the only way I could stop him from talking to me. He went back toward the register as I had a a fake conversation with myself. "Yeah, I'm at subway.. uh huh, yeah" The professor went to the register and handed the cashier his money, while I told the other guy what I wanted on my sandwich. I escaped without incident again... Or so I thought.

The cashier was having problems with the register, so she had to wait for the guy that was helping me to finish. Which meant that professor was still standing there, fidgeting and dying to talk to me. Why did I end my fake conversation? Could I really pull the fake phone call twice in a short period? Probably not, so I just looked  down to avoid eye contact. Did.nt work! He pounced like a lion on a wounded antelope.

"Sure is cold, isn't it?... I moved to Atlanta to get away from the snow... This is nothing compared to Michigan... People can't drive in the snow down here..."

All in a matter of like 2 minutes. With no responses from me other than nodding my head. I saw it coming, but I still couldn't stop it.

Snow Day

Guess who had a snow day! ME!!! The roads were mad icy and people were crashing left and right so my job finally got a conscience and decided to let us stay home. That never happens. As for the day, it was great. I did nothing but eat a tuna sub watch movies and sleep. I slept for 5 hours in the middle of day. It was awesome. It was so awesome that I almost forgot to post and Jameil sure didn't remind me. Right now we are watching a movie together over the phone, but I'm not paying attention so I can type this. I hope I don't miss too much. It's a pretty good movie so far. A Hindi movie called Wake Up Sid. It's strange how they keep switching between English and Hindi languages. Luckily they are having a musical montage,so I'm sure I won't be too far behind when I resume watching. Anyway, Happy Snow Day to me, and Happy Friday to you!

Wine And Cheese: An Apology

Hey, wine. I'm sorry. I don't know how I used to ridicule you. Even call you gay. I had no idea what I was talking about. I used to avoid you because I thought I couldn't catch a buzz off you. Dude, my bad. I was wrong. Please accept my apology. I'm just sorry that I wasted 33 years before I started liking you. Cheese, please forgive me for my many transgressions with Velveeta. And my many transgressions with Kraft slices. I should have realized that they aren't real cheese. I know its no excuse, but I grew up with them, and I had no idea of the versatility that real cheese offers. I can't even stand that processed stuff anymore and I'm all about the real stuff. Pepper jack, monchego , havarti... doesn't matter. I'm now a believer. Please accept my apologies.

This post was inspired by some pinot grigio and the pepper jack cheese I put on my burger tonight. LOL

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

This is an actual work email we recieved entitled "LET'S DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT" -  On the off chance that someone I work with reads this blog one day, I'll keep my comments to myself, but you feel free to skewer it in the comments. The formatting and clip art are actually what was sent to us.

ARE YOU FRUSTRATED WITH THINGS IN YOUR LIFE??? DO YOU HAVE A LOT ON YOUR MIND???

        HAS THE ECONOMY  GOTTEN YOU DOWN??? .       SO…….  RATHER THAN GET FRUSTRATED, ANGRY,UNDELIGHTFUL WITH OUR CUSTOMERS’ .                   WE HAVE A SOLUTION………

 

 

“LET’S DROP  IT LIKE ITS HOT!!!!!!!”

 

AT THE END OF EACH MANAGER’S BAY IS A RED BAG ALONG WITH ENVELOPES, PEN AND PAPER.  AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR SHIFT (OR DURING) WRITE DOWN THE ISSUES THAT ARE BOTHERING YOU, (COMPLETELY CONFIDENTIAL, NEVER TO BE READ) AND DROP THEM IN THE BAG.    YOU CAN PICK THEM UP AT THE END OF THE DAY OR THEY CAN BE SHREDDED (YOUR CHOICE).

WITH THE PRESSURES LIFTED,  YOU CAN BE  DELIGHTFUL, CALM, EFFICIENT ASSOCIATES;  DELIVERING THE “CUSTOMER TREATMENT” OUR CUSTOMERS DESERVE!!!

 

I'm Gonna Miss Her

Here we go again. Tomorrow Jameil is going back to Florida to start another semester. It's gonna suck. I know she has to go handle her business, but I don't want her to go. I get spoiled in a short period of time. It's really cool coming home from a hard day at work and having her there. Even when we are getting on each other's nerves, which happens with a whole lot less frequency, I don't want her to go away. And it's not just that she cooks for me, like she is doing right now. I'm sure you'll see this recipe on her blog, but it smell gooder than a mug up in my crib right now. Plus there were Oatmeal raisin cookies waiting for me when I got here. Who has the best girlfriend in the world? Raise your hand if you name is Rashan. Anyway, I guess I have to get used to just talking on the phone and sleeping on the couch again. I'll make it, but I don't like it. I can't wait for this long distance thing to become short distance.

No More Bad News

And to add to the bad news from the end of 2009, I found out that my former best friend, the only dude I could actually call my friend is locked up. He's been on and off drugs for well over a decade, causing me to have to pull back from him. All of my stories from my younger days involve Kareem in one or another. Here's a pretty concise recap about our relationship: http://visionz74.blogspot.com/2006/08/i-remember.html I went years without knowing whether he was dead or alive, until a couple of years ago when I saw him in Savannah for Thanksgiving. He had been in out of jail for petty crimes and drug crimes. At the time he was clean, but I was still troubled by his instability. I wrote a post about it:  http://rashansbeatsrhymesandlife.blogspot.com/2008/06/are-you-in-cult.html .Then next thing I knew he disappeared again. He was supposed to be getting married, and I was supposed to be best man (possibly, I wasn't sure I was ready to get involved in his life) but alas life took him in another direction. My mom caught up with his mom, who told her that he had a relapse, didn't get married and is now serving 8 years for something to do with a stolen car.  Honestly I don't even know whether it's better that he's locked up or not. At least he can't kill himself with drugs while in the pen. But for real, I don't wanna hear no more bad news.

Happy New Year

12/31/09 - Phone rings. It's my sister. I'm at work so I can't answer it. Phone rings again: It's my brother. I didn't notice this until it was time for break. I see both of these calls and they both left a message. Immediately I think, "who died?"

Message 2: Hey, this is Jelani. Give me a call when you get a chance.

Message 1: Hey, this is Nikki. Tongi has taken a turn for the worse and I'm hoping you can go visit. She's in ICU, so you won't be able to see her, but you can go give support to the family.

Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to do that. Tongi is my first cousin, who lives like 20 minutes away. I don't know what is wrong with her, but she either had tumors around her heart, had a heart attack or both. Getting information from my family is quite a task. They make things sound worse than they are, or not as serious as they are. It's flummoxing. Last I heard she weighed 77 pounds. She was always skinny, but of course not that skinny. It sounds bad. It doesn't sound like she's gonna make it. But I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't do well with death and I do even worse with sickness. Like what am I supposed to do while she's laying there Am I supposed to know what to say to her husband and her kids? Do they even know who I am? I've seen her 3 times in the last 10 years. I don't even know her married last name. Yeah, I'm not the man for this job.

I'm glad my sister came up to visit to represent for the family, because I wouldn't be able to do it..I hope that this is another one of those situations where my family exaggerates . For example, my mom's husband who died last year, was supposed to have died 3 years ago. I never know what will really happen. Not a good start to the New Year though.

You Might Be A Drunk..

If you don't leave the house all day except to hit the liquor store when it's 24 degrees in Atlanta. Not me, of course, but if you do that you may be a drunk.

New Year's Eve In Pictures

The Surprisingly Lame Peach












                                        Getting Pushed By A Crowd, But Still Posing

Still Posing Pt 2. - Remind me to tell you about the dude I called Blindside.