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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Feet

My feet are disgusting. Not in a stinky, smelly way, but in a horribly white, dry skin, thick nasty curved toenail way. I should probably be embarrassed to write that sentence but I'm not. It's just a fact of life. And it's not like I plan on wearing sandals or frolicking barefoot in the grass anytime soon. Most of the time I don't even think about my feet until I go to cut my nails. That's what I did this morning.

My big toenails don't grow straight and are extremely difficult to cut. There's no cutting evenly with these things. One side is down low, the other side up high. It looks like Bobby Brown's haircut in the "Every Little Step" video.  My little toenails are long and rubbery and equally as difficult to cut. On top of that, they are like one big cuticle. It's really strange and ugly. I should probably get a pedicure one day, but I doubt that'll happen. I think that I would need a pre-pedicure pedicure. (BTW, I've wrapped my head around men getting manicures, but pedicures still seems a little ghey. LOL) I can imagine the scene if I went to the local nail shop around the corner from my crib..

Me: Hey, I need to get a pedicure.
Vietnamese Nail Lady: Come, sit down. Take off shoes.
Me: Okay.
Nail: What that? Those not normal feet. You in accident?
Me: Yeah, they are kinda  messed up.
Nail Lady: (in native language) - Hey everybody look at this black guys feet!!! They look like eagle talons.
Me: What did you say? (other nail techs start gathering and pointing.)
Nail: Oh, nothing. (in native language) He look like his foot died.
Me: For real, what are you saying?
Nail: I have to get industrial strength nail clipper.And vat of acid. and Hazmat suit... (sound of chainsaw in background...)

Okay, by now you all know my imagination runs away with me. I just don't really want strangers touching my feet. Scratch that, I don't want anybody touching my feet. I'm fully aware of how gross they look, and I don't need to see that look of apprehension. You know the look that looks like you just smelled spoiled milk, or saw some roadkill on the highway. That's what the sseing Rashan's toenails face looks like. LOL But today, I soaked my feet, sloughed off some dead skin and managed to cut my toenails. I then put some olive oil on them to moisturize and soften them. I don't expect them to look good, but I'm settling for not frightening. I wish I could say I was going to keep this up, but yeah, that's not gonna happen.

10 comments:

Jameil said...

Pedicures are not ghey!! You can do it!! Go ahead and prep yourself for the gather round & flurry of other languages b/c that will definitely happen.

Opinionated Diva said...

lmao @ "those not normal feet...you in accident" and you saying "yeah"!!

tap into your metrosexual side and go get a pedicure. i see a lot of men getting them now.

♥PrettyPacino♥ said...

OK so I can relate, seeing is how my boyfriend is an athlete and thinks manis and pedis are thee most homo thing ever. I gave him a pedicure once (I lost a bet) but now he's a little more open to it. If ever there's any doubt that I don't love his a**, he'll have that day to look back on, because I HATE feet (which is why the pedicure was my prize for losing the bet)...


PS: "sloughed off some dead skin" made me gag a little lol...

Ms. Behaving said...

Jameil is right...

There isn't anything "ghey" about getting a pedicure.

In fact, you owe it to yourself. Now go!!!

LOL

Rashan Jamal said...

@ jameil - I can't do it. I'm not ready for the gather round yet.

@ diva - LOL - I'm not a metro.. it'd have to be baby steps. Manicure first, then work up to the pedicure.

@ PP - sorry to make you throw up. I need to make a bet, cuz I can't let a stranger give me a pedicure.

@ MS. B - yeah, I'll probably not go. LOL

Nexgrl said...

You can always go to the podiatrist and have you toe nails trimmed and all of the other dead stuff removed. They won't judge you, they see it all of the time.

Nerd Girl said...

I won't talk about my . if you promise not to talk about your feet!

My hubby has awful feet too. Years of football plus basic manly neglect left him with nothing nice. Hmmm, I think I'll get him a pedicre (not from me!) for Christmas.

This post reminded me of that Martin episode...

DaniColoredGlasses said...

Seriously..a pedi isn't as emasculating as you think.....If you get a good one, I promise you'll be hooked.

Jameil said...

God bless all of you for trying to help!!! Seriously!!

SincerelyGo said...

I died @ "Nail: What that? Those not normal feet. You in accident?" You are crazy..Rah since you were bold enough to blog about them you should have made it even more interesting and snapped a few pics of those critters!..EWWW I don't like feet though..not even nice pedicured ones! I'll damn near fall out the bed if someone rubs their toes on me..

Poor Jameil..Rah-Scissor-Toes huh?

Sincerely,

Go