Dear Creepy Security Guard

Dear Creepy Security Guard,

I just want you to know that this conversation is creeping me out. I don’t really want to discuss the ladies with you. Especially not the ladies of color. You see, you remind me right now of an overseer, leering after the workers on the plantation. That look on your face right now is making me want to slap you out of your black girl fantasy. I’m just saying, what makes you think that it’s okay to come up to a complete stranger and talk about women’s anatomy. Especially when you are a good 20 years older than me and you have a Dale Earnhardt (SR, not JR.) mustache. I don’t know for a fact, but you look like you use Skoal, and have a rebel flag on the back of your Ford F 250. And a gun rack. Yeah, you look like you got rifles. They say don’t judge a book by its cover, but how else am I gonna know what the book is about? I can only go by that accent, which gave me creepy flashbacks of my high school football coach. Your southern drawl and talking about that “gal” really is not cool to me. Maybe I’m overreacting, and I should listen while you talk about how you like “big ole butts.” But every fiber of my being wants to run away from this conversation. I mean, it’s not like I actually was engaged in the conversation. I just wanted to sit in the café and watch a little CNN, while listening to my iPod. Why did you choose me to talk to? I can assure that I wasn’t lonely, and wasn’t looking for a conversation, especially one about my co worker’s booty. That’s just wrong, Mr. Security Guard.

 I wonder if you abuse your position. Like do you offer rides to the garage in your golf cart to the big butt black girls? Or do you move the surveillance cameras to capture maximum black gal coverage? Or when you’re doing the fingerprints (we’re bonded, so we have to get printed), do you hold on to their hands just a tad too long, so they feel uncomfortable, but not uncomfortable enough that they know you are doing it on purpose? I don’t know about you. This conversation makes me think you just might have a problem. How bout this? Let’s just never talk again, and I’ll try to forget about that lecherous look and inappropriate comments you were making.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal