And Now...Rashan Responds Snarkily To A Meme That Nobody Asked Him To Do

I was looking for a stupid little meme to do to count as my Saturday post. As I was reading over it, I started making jokes, so now you have to read them. READ THEM I SAID!!!! Then I realized it was long, but once I started, I couldn't stop.


Do you get regular massages?
Nope, I don’t like strangers touching me. Even if I know you a little bit, you ain’t got to be touching me. That goes for hugs, light taps on the arm, rubbing my back. Lay off the touching.


Do you have an answering machine?
Yes, because it’s 1987 again. I also have a boom box, a jheri curl, some adidas shelltoes with fat multicolor laces and a “You Can’t Do That On Television” lunch box.


What cuss word do you use the most?
*avert your eyes, Jameil* I enjoy the f word. As in da fu..?? or nah, fu that!!! or fu is you talking about? Man, I don’t get to curse enough anymore, since Jameil is a puritan. But don’t let me be by myself…


Are you underweight or overweight?
Overweight, but I’m about to hit the sauna later tonight so I can make weight for my title fight.


Can you see your veins?
No, because I’m a dark skinned African!!! *turns arm over* what are these green things on my forearm?


Favorite…

Soap?
I refuse to answer this question truthfully and say “Dove” because you’ll think the answer to the next question is me…just wait..
Fruit?
I like Tim Gunn. He’s pretty awesome. Oh wait, I mean grapes.
Fish?
Which is my favorite dish. But without the money it’s still a wish. Couldn’t think of a joke, so I used a lyric instead.


Candy bar?
Whatever the sugar dealers at my job have on deck. I’m pretty sure that they are responsible for 72% of diabetes in the Metro Atlanta Area. They always got cake, or cupcakes, or candy bars.

Have You Ever…


Eaten a whole bag of potato chips?
Yes, but I’ve blocked out the memory with the help of a therapist and life coach. I’m working on my binge eating. Now, it’s just binge drinking.


Eaten lobster?
Why do you think I’m wearing this bib? Oh, my drooling problem? Nah, it’s b/c of lobster.


Climbed a mountain?
I don’t think she would appreciate you calling her a mountain. Tall people have feelings too.


Been skydiving?
Since I have an aversion to urinating on myself, having heart attacks and pulling cords, I’ve yet to experience this one yet.


Do You…
Wish you could change something about your life?
Do you mean other than my decision to start this meme?
Like your nose?
Except when it gets dry, or full of mucous. Then I’d be content with being a mouth-breather like Biggie.


Like salt and vinegar chips?
The weirdest combination since *insert obscure pop culture reference here*


Eat salsa?
I feel like if there was a comma between those two words, it would be the way Ricky Ricardo asked Lucy out on a date.
Own a boat?
I used to until it crashed into an iceberg, and started capsizing. There weren’t enough lifeboats, so a bunch of people had to jump in the water as my boat sank. Two of them, Jack and Rose were clinging to the debris in the cold ocean expressing their love for each other. *spoiler alert* Jack let go and drowned.


What Is…


A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences?
Man, I wish Dennis Kucinich was a Republican. This joke would actually be funny.


Your most macho trait?
I'd have to say it’s watching every episode of Felicity, The Gilmore Girls and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What’s macho-er than that?


The longest relationship you’ve ever had?
Me and my fake wife have been together for about 11 years. What had happened was… I made up a fake wife to get rid of a real stalker, and we never actually got fake divorced. Fake wife didn’t thwart real stalker by the way. It made her think I was the marrying type. Oh self esteem! Why doesn’t everybody have you?


Your most embarrassing thoughts?
Man, I hope nobody finds out that I actually do like Plies. That would ruin my rep as a discerning hip hop head.
Your most shameful moment?
I’ve only told one person that story and she turned out not to be who she said she was, so I’m gonna hold off on telling that moment to the entire blog world. Let’s just say it involves pajamas, Atari, laxatives, and my best friend looking at me with pity.


This/That…
Bath/Shower?
I don’t like baths because who wants to sit in their own filth. But I do like bubbles, so I started taking bubble showers.


Markers/Crayons?
It really depends what I’m writing. Ransom notes look sinister in crayon, but markers are best for my anti government protest placards.


Pens/Pencils?
I never have a pen when I need one. This is not a joke, just the truth. For real, where do all my pens go?


Jelly/Cream Cheese?
It must be jelly cuz cream cheese don’t shake like that. Unless you put it in the dryer. Then it shakes a whole lot. And probably melts. And makes a pretty big mess… On second thought.. don’t put cream cheese in the dryer.


Bagel/Toast?
I only eat bagels if someone else buys them. I like them, but I never spend my money on them. Sorta like strippers. LOL


Finish…


My greatest weakness is…
My lame right arm.


I wish I was…
I bet you all expected me to say “a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl that looked good I would call her.” And I guess you are right.


Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are…
If there are only three things on your list, then you are more than likely morally bankrupt and have a cast iron stomach.


The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is…
the number 3 (get it, because it’s odd… corny oh well.)


Firsts…

Credit card you had?
I think it was a discover card. And now to quote every bad black comedian from the 1990’s… wait til they discover I can’t pay the bill!! Ladies and Gentleman, I’ll be at the Chuckle Hut this Thursday. 2 drink minimum. Call ahead for seating.


Loan you got was for?
Educational purposes, you know like painting my car and buying new Hilfiger.


Paycheck was for how much?
Man, I can’t even remember, but I do know that I bought a CD with it. Probably something extremely sucktastic that I still have, but have not listened to since 1992, but would get mad if you tried to take away from me.


Time you had stitches?
Stupid neighborhood watch program forgot to tell me what snitches got.


Time you went to the hospital for something?
To be born, I guess. I don’t know if I went will still in the womb, but then again, I probably shouldn’t start a Tim Tebow-esque Life starts at conception conversation on my blog.


Lasts…


List everything you ate in the last 24 hours?
No, you can’t tell me what to do. The fact that I had a frozen pizza from Krogers and a bowl of cereal is none of your business


What was your job previous to the one you have now?
I was a professional blogger. Meaning that while I was supposed to be working I was on the internet at my desk. Conference Call? Let’s check some blogs. Meeting with H.R. – check blogs on my phone. Employee complaining that I’m not paying attention to him – Give him the nickname Mr. Softee and write about him on my blog.


Last thing you celebrated?
Friday, I celebrated my paycheck by paying bills. Does that count?


Last time you were at a sports bar?
That time when me and Jameil ordered a buffalo sauce burger and they had like no sauce on it. And our waiter who looked like Kevin Federline was trying to charge us for the sauce that was supposed to be on the burger in the first place. Stupid Taco Mac!