Tito's Gift Basket

Thank Facebook for my posting 2 days in a row. I saw this cat I went to high school with under my friends suggestions. Let’s call him “Tito.”

I met Tito back in 89. He was an incoming freshman, while I was a sophomore. We were in chorus together. He was a super talented singer and pianist, having played in the church for years. He was somewhat of a prodigy. The hater in me wanted to diss him because he was coming in all new and stealing my shine, but the realist in me knew I was never destined for stardom in the music realm. Singing was just something I did because I enjoyed it and it got me out of school on field trips. So, I decided that I would take him under my wing and teach him the ropes. There was only one problem… Tito had a major hygiene problem.

You know how when boys become teenagers, they start to develop smells that they didn’t have before. Most of us learn how to wash, and brush teeth, and use deodorant. Tito was not one of those. Me and my chorus homeboys were repulsed by his general dirtiness and offending smell. But since he was representing us, we had to do something. We tried a couple tactics. First, we would just offer gum when we had it, or some cologne (which I know now would have just exacerbated the situation)or some spray deodorant after a particularly grueling chorus dance rehearsal. Tito would never take anything that might possibly lead to smelling better. Then we tried to handle it in a joking manner. You know one of those truth hiding in a joke things. Like “Tito, you smell so bad, you got those brown wavy cartoon lines following you.” He would laugh, but not take it seriously. Finally, we came Mano-a-Mano and just told him straight up. “Tito, you smell bad. We are being serious. You need to work on your hygiene.” It worked for like a day, but then he was back to his old pigpen ways. Me and the boys were just at a loss.

I came up with an idea. I was joking at first, but it turned into something real. I suggested we get him a gift basket with a bunch of toiletries. You know, soap, toothpaste, antiperspirant, shampoo and hair grease (cuz his dandruff was kicking.) They took my idea and ran with it. One of the girls in our chorus class got the basket, and we went to Wal-Mart and hooked him up. I’m talking about brand names. Don’t ask where a bunch of broke high school kids got money for that because I don’t remember, but I do know “Tito” had everything he needed to stop smelling like hot booty, feet and rotting meat. We put it on top of his locker during chorus class (anonymously of course) and couldn’t wait to see what happened when he saw it.

When he saw it… he started crying. Not like whimpering, but straight up boo-hoo crying. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the gesture and thought we were making fun of him. I didn’t even think of that. I felt bad, but not bad enough to tell him it was my idea, so I just kept my mouth shut. I never tried to help “Tito” again. He smelled bad until his junior year when he finally got a girlfriend. She was able to do what we couldn’t. I can only hope that he hasn’t reverted to his old school stinky self although his profile pic looks a little dingy. LOL. And no, I’m not going to be his Facebook friend..