Super Fans

In the limited time I spend on Twitter, one thing always shocks me. How much people stan for their favorite artists. I guess I shouldn't be shocked, since this is a world full of celebrity worship, but the level of obsession that people have is overwhelming. Perhaps it's always been that way, but seeing it all in one place is jarring. Two people in particular get the fans mobilized like no other. Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj.

There are 50-11 twitter users with some form of Bieber in their handles. Things like Bieberholics or Bieberfan, or Bieberfever. Anytime he does anything, they light up twitter talking about him. I don't get it. I understand I'm not his demographic, so I'm not supposed to get it, but I still don't. Maybe he's talented, maybe the girls think he's cute, but my goodness, the fervor is overkill. Same with Nicki Minaj. Little teenage girls with Minaj in their names. Do they even know what that means? Or emulating her barbie persona. Thousands of girls with Barbie in their name. Now I do know a little something about rap, so I know that she sucks. Her lyrics are garbage, and she isn't all that attractive either. And girls are lining up to get their boobs signed by her too? Twitter is on Nicki Minaj overload.

Since I'm an understanding type of person, I tried to think back to when I was younger. Was there anybody that I just was obsessed with? The closest I could think of was the 1986 Mets. I tried to swing like Daryl Strawberry, and I tried to pitch like Dwight Gooden, which was impossible since I, unlike him, was left handed. I guess I also was the world's biggest Big Daddy Kane fan back in the day. I wanted to rap like him. but he wasn't the only rapper I liked. And then as far as having crushes... I had a thing for Ananda Lewis. But I wasn't going to write her letters or show up where she was to express my love for her. Plus the more I heard her talk, the more annoying she got, and thus the crush dissipated.

I don't know. Is this just a case of me getting older and not understanding today's youth? I hope not. I didn't think that would start until I was at least 50. I thought I still had 15 years before I started talking about young whippersnappers and their triviality. Or maybe I just am cut from a different cloth. I've always been a bit weird, and perhaps that weirdness made me not be a pop culture junkie like the rest of the world. Who knows? What about you? Did you have anybody that you were obsessed with (in a normal way) when you were younger? Or now even? Do you still have a secret shrine to a celebrity? You can tell me. I won't judge. Let's be real. Of course I'll be judging you. LOL

And Now...Rashan Responds Snarkily To A Meme That Nobody Asked Him To Do

I was looking for a stupid little meme to do to count as my Saturday post. As I was reading over it, I started making jokes, so now you have to read them. READ THEM I SAID!!!! Then I realized it was long, but once I started, I couldn't stop.


Do you get regular massages?
Nope, I don’t like strangers touching me. Even if I know you a little bit, you ain’t got to be touching me. That goes for hugs, light taps on the arm, rubbing my back. Lay off the touching.


Do you have an answering machine?
Yes, because it’s 1987 again. I also have a boom box, a jheri curl, some adidas shelltoes with fat multicolor laces and a “You Can’t Do That On Television” lunch box.


What cuss word do you use the most?
*avert your eyes, Jameil* I enjoy the f word. As in da fu..?? or nah, fu that!!! or fu is you talking about? Man, I don’t get to curse enough anymore, since Jameil is a puritan. But don’t let me be by myself…


Are you underweight or overweight?
Overweight, but I’m about to hit the sauna later tonight so I can make weight for my title fight.


Can you see your veins?
No, because I’m a dark skinned African!!! *turns arm over* what are these green things on my forearm?


Favorite…

Soap?
I refuse to answer this question truthfully and say “Dove” because you’ll think the answer to the next question is me…just wait..
Fruit?
I like Tim Gunn. He’s pretty awesome. Oh wait, I mean grapes.
Fish?
Which is my favorite dish. But without the money it’s still a wish. Couldn’t think of a joke, so I used a lyric instead.


Candy bar?
Whatever the sugar dealers at my job have on deck. I’m pretty sure that they are responsible for 72% of diabetes in the Metro Atlanta Area. They always got cake, or cupcakes, or candy bars.

Have You Ever…


Eaten a whole bag of potato chips?
Yes, but I’ve blocked out the memory with the help of a therapist and life coach. I’m working on my binge eating. Now, it’s just binge drinking.


Eaten lobster?
Why do you think I’m wearing this bib? Oh, my drooling problem? Nah, it’s b/c of lobster.


Climbed a mountain?
I don’t think she would appreciate you calling her a mountain. Tall people have feelings too.


Been skydiving?
Since I have an aversion to urinating on myself, having heart attacks and pulling cords, I’ve yet to experience this one yet.


Do You…
Wish you could change something about your life?
Do you mean other than my decision to start this meme?
Like your nose?
Except when it gets dry, or full of mucous. Then I’d be content with being a mouth-breather like Biggie.


Like salt and vinegar chips?
The weirdest combination since *insert obscure pop culture reference here*


Eat salsa?
I feel like if there was a comma between those two words, it would be the way Ricky Ricardo asked Lucy out on a date.
Own a boat?
I used to until it crashed into an iceberg, and started capsizing. There weren’t enough lifeboats, so a bunch of people had to jump in the water as my boat sank. Two of them, Jack and Rose were clinging to the debris in the cold ocean expressing their love for each other. *spoiler alert* Jack let go and drowned.


What Is…


A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences?
Man, I wish Dennis Kucinich was a Republican. This joke would actually be funny.


Your most macho trait?
I'd have to say it’s watching every episode of Felicity, The Gilmore Girls and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What’s macho-er than that?


The longest relationship you’ve ever had?
Me and my fake wife have been together for about 11 years. What had happened was… I made up a fake wife to get rid of a real stalker, and we never actually got fake divorced. Fake wife didn’t thwart real stalker by the way. It made her think I was the marrying type. Oh self esteem! Why doesn’t everybody have you?


Your most embarrassing thoughts?
Man, I hope nobody finds out that I actually do like Plies. That would ruin my rep as a discerning hip hop head.
Your most shameful moment?
I’ve only told one person that story and she turned out not to be who she said she was, so I’m gonna hold off on telling that moment to the entire blog world. Let’s just say it involves pajamas, Atari, laxatives, and my best friend looking at me with pity.


This/That…
Bath/Shower?
I don’t like baths because who wants to sit in their own filth. But I do like bubbles, so I started taking bubble showers.


Markers/Crayons?
It really depends what I’m writing. Ransom notes look sinister in crayon, but markers are best for my anti government protest placards.


Pens/Pencils?
I never have a pen when I need one. This is not a joke, just the truth. For real, where do all my pens go?


Jelly/Cream Cheese?
It must be jelly cuz cream cheese don’t shake like that. Unless you put it in the dryer. Then it shakes a whole lot. And probably melts. And makes a pretty big mess… On second thought.. don’t put cream cheese in the dryer.


Bagel/Toast?
I only eat bagels if someone else buys them. I like them, but I never spend my money on them. Sorta like strippers. LOL


Finish…


My greatest weakness is…
My lame right arm.


I wish I was…
I bet you all expected me to say “a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl that looked good I would call her.” And I guess you are right.


Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are…
If there are only three things on your list, then you are more than likely morally bankrupt and have a cast iron stomach.


The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is…
the number 3 (get it, because it’s odd… corny oh well.)


Firsts…

Credit card you had?
I think it was a discover card. And now to quote every bad black comedian from the 1990’s… wait til they discover I can’t pay the bill!! Ladies and Gentleman, I’ll be at the Chuckle Hut this Thursday. 2 drink minimum. Call ahead for seating.


Loan you got was for?
Educational purposes, you know like painting my car and buying new Hilfiger.


Paycheck was for how much?
Man, I can’t even remember, but I do know that I bought a CD with it. Probably something extremely sucktastic that I still have, but have not listened to since 1992, but would get mad if you tried to take away from me.


Time you had stitches?
Stupid neighborhood watch program forgot to tell me what snitches got.


Time you went to the hospital for something?
To be born, I guess. I don’t know if I went will still in the womb, but then again, I probably shouldn’t start a Tim Tebow-esque Life starts at conception conversation on my blog.


Lasts…


List everything you ate in the last 24 hours?
No, you can’t tell me what to do. The fact that I had a frozen pizza from Krogers and a bowl of cereal is none of your business


What was your job previous to the one you have now?
I was a professional blogger. Meaning that while I was supposed to be working I was on the internet at my desk. Conference Call? Let’s check some blogs. Meeting with H.R. – check blogs on my phone. Employee complaining that I’m not paying attention to him – Give him the nickname Mr. Softee and write about him on my blog.


Last thing you celebrated?
Friday, I celebrated my paycheck by paying bills. Does that count?


Last time you were at a sports bar?
That time when me and Jameil ordered a buffalo sauce burger and they had like no sauce on it. And our waiter who looked like Kevin Federline was trying to charge us for the sauce that was supposed to be on the burger in the first place. Stupid Taco Mac!

Every 90 Days

Every 90 days, it’s the same old thing. Time to change my password at work. It wouldn’t seem to be that big of a deal, but for some reason, I always seem to have trouble.

First of all, the password has to be a specific amount of characters. So even if I have a good one in mind, if it has too many or too little characters, then I’m stuck. Then it has to have at least one number in it. And that number can’t be at the end. For example I couldn’t use jameil1, I would have to do something like jam1eil. That’s just an example, not an actual password, so don’t be trying to hack my stuff. But for real, I find myself having to type like those 1d10tz (that spells "idiots" for the non-idiots) 0n mYspac3 in order to come up with a password that actually works. And I just can’t bring myself to do that.

Instead, I have to think of something that I will actually remember. I have a great long term memory. For instance, I can remember that my phone number from 1983-1986 was 914 425 1464. But my short term memory is shot. Sometimes I’ll just forget what I was doing while I’m doing it. *Insert weed joke here*. It has to be something memorable if I’m going to remember it. I’ve used my favorite rappers, my favorite sports teams, the kids in my family. I can remember those. But I can’t use any derivatives of them again for 18th months. So, now I have to think of random thoughts that pop in my head to use as passwords. And those just don’t stick. I think I’ve run out of passwords

One of the biggest problems with my password is that I always seem to be leaving on vacation when it’s time to reset them. I’m either having a long weekend, or a week long vacation when it’s time to change my password. I shouldn’t use that as an excuse since it does remind me every day for 2 weeks before it’s time, but I don’t be thinking about it until the very last minute. Who knew my procrastination could extend to something as mundane as changing a password. In fact instead of writing this post, I probably should be thinking of my next password since I only have 9 days left.

P.S. Jameil can you stop posting... I'm really running out of things to blog about as evidenced by me posting about passwords. LOL

One Of Those Days

It was one of those days where people, places and things (mostly people) were annoying me. Nothing major, but just enough for me to write about them...

Somebody smells like outside. Like when we were kids and spent all day frolicking in the woods. For real, there’s a new invention called a shower. Can you look into that?

I can’t seriously be the only person that can read in this meeting. This clearly says “manager duty”, so why are you telling us that this is what we are going to do? I tried to tell you too, and you shut me down? For real, dog?

Creepy Security Guard guy: I need you to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh on your portable radio. Do you not realize that you work with 80% black people and we will mess you up if you call us “Magical Negroes?” I’m just saying, this is not the place for you to make your Anti Obama stand.

Is there a reason that it feels like the pits of Hell inside? You are killing me. It’s 32 degrees outside and 87 inside. I’m not saying it needs to be cold in here, but I’m about to sweat up in here. Maybe that’s why somebody smells like outside up in here.

I know you have to talk, since it’s a requirement for the job, but just for a few hours could you pretend to be a deaf-mute. Or not even a deaf mute, just a mute. In other words, stop talking. I hate your voice.

For real, my dude? Why you gonna run like that? Let me back up. Why are you running at work anyway? And if you are gonna run at work, could you make an effort to not sashay whilst running. Why are your arms moving side to side like that? Why you gonna twist at the waist like that? (Nexgrl – You don’t have to answer this one for me. I already know the answer. . LOL)

Ms Cougar Lady, please don’t regale any more tales of your secksual conquests. I don’t believe you. I don’t want to know that much about you. And did I mention I don’t believe you? I’m sure you have a rich fantasy life, but work is not the place to talk about it.

Lent

When I was a kid we used to go to an Episcopalian church. Every year we had to give something up for Lent. It was always something trivial, such as one of favorite toys, or chocolate milk. As I got older, we went to more Protestant type churches where Lent was not practiced as heavily. A couple of years ago, I decided to start doing it again, not so much for religious reasons, but for discipline reasons. I gave up soda, and even today, I don't drink it like I used to. I'll still indulge every now and then, mostly when I'm taking a road trip, but those 40 days made me realize that it was no big deal not to drink soda all the time. That brings us to this year.

Jameil and I are going to give up fast food. It was her idea, but I quickly jumped on the bandwagon. There's something about her that makes me extremely competitive. Yes, I'm aware that is probably not the right spirit to bring into what's supposed to be a religious experience, but being honest with myself and you, that's what it is. I want to prove that I can do the same thing she is doing. Now, this is gonna be hard. I work a 10 hour day, 12 hours if you count travel time and lunch. I usually leave at 10:45 AM and get home at 10:45 PM. Those days, I just don't feel like cooking. It's going to be a challenge not to just stop off at Taco Bell on the way home from work. Hopefully, this will get me eating healthier, save money (although I've mastered the art of getting the cheapest food these restaurants have to offer), and get me to cook more often. And who knows, after getting used to this for 40 days, maybe I'll be over the fast food, like I'm over the soda. Either way, wish me luck.

Fast food has many definitions so Jameil and I defined it for our purposes. Of course, McDonalds and Burger King are out, but we also included any restaurant that has a drive through window. This includes our favorite Mexican spot in Florida. Also, Pizza Hut and Papa Johns, and chains like that count. The biggest blow for me is that we are including Subway and other sandwich spots like that. If you know anything about me, you know I can live on Subway tuna subs, and there's this place in Gainesville called Jimmy Johns that has the best Italian sub on earth. But those are out for awhile. One of two things is gonna happen. Either I'll start cooking more, or I'll have to go to a bunch of sit down restaurants and spend more money. I'll try for the former, but if all else fails, the latter is just gonna have to work.

What about you guys? Do you give up anything for Lent? If so, what?

Wait... I Didn't Say That!!!

 Color Code:  

Co Worker 1, Co Worker 2, Me

"Hey Rashan. I know you won't come but I want to invite you anyway. I'm having a birthday dinner on the 27th."

"For real? I'll try to make it.

"Rashan ain't coming. He's going down to Florida that weekend."

"Umm. I'm mad that you think you know my schedule better than me. I actually won't be going that weekend."

"OOOOHHH, You are gonna skip a weekend?"

"Nah, Jameil will be here."

"Does that mean we get to meet her?"

"I don't know. We'll see what we are doing."

"You have to bring her. We love her."

"ummm...okay."

"I know we don't know her, but we like her for you."

"Thanks. Me too."

"So you gonna bring her?"

"I'm not sure. I'll talk to her.Where is the dinner anyway?"

"Red Lobster"

"Uhhh...yeah, about that. We are food snobs, so I don't know about that.'

"She's bourgie too?"

"Way more bourgie than me. We don't eat at chains."

"Well, try to see if you can make an exception so we can meet her."

"Okay. I'll let you know."

"Hey, everybody.. Rashan is bringing his girlfriend to Tasha's birthday dinner!"

"Wait... I didn't say that.."

Random Thoughts Again

The NBA all star game had 108 thousand people there. I know you want to experience the atmosphere, but for real, what are you actually going to see. If the court is just 94 ft, and you are way up in the nosebleeds, you ain’t seeing nothing. You could have saved that money and went to a sports bar and got drunk.

Does it make me juvenile that I chuckle every time I pass the Withlacoochee (sound it out) River when I’m driving to Florida?

I don’t get how Maury is still on TV. Are people still shocked when it turns out that the 13th dude is not the father?

I’m eating a poppy seed muffin and just had a flashback to that episode of Seinfeld when one of them (I think it was Elaine) tested positive for opium because of a poppy seed muffin. I know it was just a TV show, but I actually stopped eating the muffin for a second before I realized I was being stupid. Also, there are no drug tests, so if I actually wanted to take opium, nobody would know. LOL

I’m working on President’s Day and they are sending us trivia emails all day. I know all the answers, but once I found out what the prize for winning is, I was like, never mind. It’s not worth my time to even type these answers: I already got a muffin!!!

Are we done with Swine Flu? I haven’t heard anything about that in a minute? Is it no longer a pandemic? Is it just a irritation now? Did we overreact to it a few months ago?

I don’t watch much Winter Olympics… okay, I don’t watch any Winter Olympics, but I used to like the luge, the bobsled and ski jumping. I was reading about how in Women’s Hockey, Canada beat the bricks off someone 18-1 and now there is an uproar… The way I see it, if you don’t want to get beat that badly, you have 2 choices: Don’t go to the Olympics or get better at your sport. This ain’t little league with a mercy rule. (Wo)man up!!!

#petpeeve: People who are divorced or single trying to give relationship advice. This means you Steve Harvey. This means you Hill Harper. This means you lonely bitter woman who hasn’t had a relationship in years, but is always talking about what you don’t want from a man. This means you wanna-be player who wants his homeboy to be single so he’ll have someone to go to the club and chase girls with. JUST STOP IT!!!
I’m over going to movies. I’ll just wait for Netflix. I’d rather pay $18 a month and getting a bunch of movies a month, than pay $19.50 to see a movie Jameil and I may or may not like. I don’t have to be first. Besides, movies be coming out on DVD like 3 months later now. I think I’ll just wait.

So, I used to be the biggest fan of the tv show 24.. This year, I almost don’t want to watch. Everything that has happened this year, has already happened in the previous 7 years. I find myself not even paying attention because I already know what’s going to happen before it happens. They need to get that together. My other show “Lost” is still keeping me interested, mainly b/c I have no idea what’s going on and haven’t since it started 5 years ago. Can’t wait for the payoff though.

My weekly FB/Twitter rant: I don’t know why I follow/am friends with some people. They get on my nerves. What does it say about me that I can’t delete them, but instead will continue to read their stuff just so I can laugh at them, or mock them? As Jameil likes to say about me… I’m a bad person (but then again, she does the same thing, so she must be bad too. LOL)